Sabina's Inbox

In my last post, I talked about one of my closest friend's "Charlotte" and I wanted to elaborate more on her in this post since today proved to be quite the entertaining day.

See I'm just going to come out and say it.. Charlotte is a virgin.

No. She's not lying.
No. She's not ugly.
No. She's not fat.

And yes, many many men have tried and failed.

Now to understand her reasoning behind not letting any kemosabe put his twinkie in her apple pie is probably a tale you've heard before, one surrounding around the dreaded four letter word; love.

Oh love, what a fickle and evil little bitch you are. Love really will make you do crazy things, so much so that just the notion itself will keep you from doing other things.

See, it's simple, I may joke around calling my friends whores and what not and although we live vicariously through the few Amber Rose's we're acquainted with, more or less we keep those legs closed like our mamas taught us yet we do not judge are lovely Rosebuds, these are just are personal preferences.

So when it comes to my raised exceptionally well biffle, she's holding out for the real deal. The guy's whose it.

Therefore this brings me into tonight's little snippet in the day of the life of Charlotte and her v-card.

So let's trace back to 3500 BC when man first invented the wheel and took the initial steps into modernization through Old Europe, of course what was modern then seems ancient to us now.

Since then we as a people, as a whole human race have developed into a super species. We are the most powerful mammals on the planet, maybe not physically by strength but mentally because we have the capablities to make nuclear weapons, to be surrogates for mothers in need, to print food from a 3D printer, to build 100 story monuments and thrive in technology, history and agricultural.

We are amazing creatures and that's why it baffles me that we do, in fact have idiots.

And we all know that one village idiot.

So here's a story about.. let's call him Matty.. cause that's his name.

Matty, oh dear old Matty has never in his life picked up a book.

He knows nothing about anatomy, so much so the simple word virgin does not mentally compute correctly for him.

Now we can't hate Matty, he's done nothing wrong.

Life circumstances (like too much hair gel, i'm serious he's stuck in 2009 jersey shore) have redeveloped his limbic system. In case you're wondering, that's his brain, the part that stores memory.

So Mr. Matty had reached out via social media to my dear old friend, Charlotte.

Let's just be frank.. he was trying to get it in.

Only problem is Matty use to be friends with a guy, Charlotte was very much head over heels for. So she never had any intention of going on a date with him or seeing him or letting his penis and her presence be in the same vicinity.

But Matty, Matty is Matty. You know, I mean, no means yes, hell no means maybe, go fuck yourself means I want you, I'd rather eat shit means let's go out tomorrow. You know Matty is confused.

But of course, it must be some recessive gene but Charlotte doesn't know how to be mean to people unless she's already pissed so she doesn't ignore him trying to start a conversation.

And with men, let me rephrase, with boys like Matty, even though they're like 30 they don't know how to speak about anything that doesn't deal with blunts, bitches and booze which would be admirable if Charlotte was a rapper. But Charlotte is a white girl who listens to country music and uses vocab like "totes."

So let's jump right in, somehow the conversation swayed into sex, aka Matty asking Charlotte if she'd ever slept with the mutual person they have in common. Of course, Charlotte said no but because she had (and I repeat again) NO INTENTION of leading Mr. Matty on, she said she had done things but she's a virgin.

Now I know what you're thinking, you're confused. How is this funny? What does this have to do with anything? Sabina are you already losing your touch?

Well my little minions, guess what.. Matty then goes into specific detail about how Charlotte is misinformed about her own body and that she is, indeed not a virgin if she had ever engaged in kissing and/or oral sex. In fact, he insinuated that she was "promiscuous" for engaging in such acts with a guy she dated on and off for a total of 6 years.

Ah-ah-what? say what?

1920 is back and ladies can't vote.

I was confused when she sent me the DMs, he was actually arguing with her that she was not a virgin. He argued google was wrong, the definition is not sexual intercourse but sexual situations.

In other words, I haven't been a virgin since 2001 when Ilya gave me my first tap on the lips on a purple blow up couch on my cousin's patio. I hadn't known, I'm happy Matty informed my friend so that I can inform the world that ladies, you're all fucking wrong.

Apparently we're all whores.

Because fuck science, who gives a shit about anatomy. I mean, we have Matty. All our questions are answered, I should go tell my jewish brethren that their messiah has finally come and he comes bearing answers to all of our life's questions. We've been wrong about everything, all along.

LOL.
Now guys, we should be thankful for guys like Matty, because he's a constant reminder that we probably did evolve from Apes picking at our butts.

So science thanks you Matty and so do all women to always remind us of how far we've come.

xo Binch