Sabina's Inbox

it's precisely 4:25am, i finally tried a moscow mule.. or maybe six of them. i've also got a fever so I may have went too strong with my cough syrup so maybe i'm a bit delusional but fuck it. so here i am, opening up and what not.

i have this horrible tendency of caring more about my reputation than what may or may not make me happy.

so let's have it.

hypothetically speaking of course,

let's talk about a scenario and it's outcome.

let's talk about something that may or may not have happened a little while ago,
let's circle back a year.

i may have loved someone out there, i mean.. i may or may not, who knows my emotions were everywhere.

too much Frank Ocean will have you allllll in your feelings.

and let me tell you, i've only ever loved two people my entire life,
the latter who i'm about to talk about.

and nope, it's the last person in the world you'd expect it to be.

so all of you coming on my page wondering when i'm gonna talk about some bit of gossip, you're in the wrong place baby girl. what stays between me and my past, stays between me and my past. leave my first love out of this.

and listen, it's true, i was broken and i gave my heart away a long time ago and it's taken me a long time to get even half of it back so here it is, the moment i finally grasped it, i was healed, i was better and then i realized i was still not the only owner.

fuck.

don't get me wrong, i wasn't waving a flag of love and running off into the sunset with him, no life is a cruel little bitch and put us at opposite ends of a tug of war.

"man, how many times we talked about how happy we could be? what it would be like? how alike we are? how perfect it would be? soulmates, who knows? but how many people would we hurt in the process? how many hearts would we break? we care about those who wronged us, we still don't want to hurt them, right? how come we didn't meet before we met other people? how friendship comes first before this, whatever this we had? how i had to pretend i felt nothing for you? why couldn't have i met you first?"

noooope. messy, messy love is something i always find myself in. passionate, hell yes but so, so fucking messy.

and i'm tired, i'm tired of loving people i shouldn't love but you, you were so different. i adored the person you were, still do. you always made me think outside the box, smart as hell and just as handsome. a force to be reckoned with if you wanted to be. and i really, really wanted you to be.

but that's the sad part, the hardest part.. what people never want to accept is that you cannot build a foundation of happiness on top of someone else's sadness. you cannot be happy if your happiness made someone miserable and i know that all too well.

doomed before we even started. but we never really started?

there was no us because i made that decision for us.
i told you, regardless of you trying to argue how you'd be a better man for me
and trust me, i believed you.
but being with me, would make you a bad man
and i couldn't live with myself letting you hurt those around you, for me.

and now, as these feelings have seemed to fade, lingers just a premise of what may have been.

and know this, i will never forget how much you cared about my issues with my family, law school, my goals, my future, my broken heart, dealing with my annoying ass, letting me talk you to death, only person to ask me how i was doing while i was healing, letting me cry to you, how pretty you made me feel, how motivating you are while challenging me, how if i ever text you i needed you, you'd walk away to take that phone call no matter who you were with or what you were doing. and i still, still appreciate the friendship you gave me when i needed it the most.

it isn't like that anymore, i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss it but happiness is what i wish everyone from my past, regardless of our outcome.

but you, you're still one of my closest friends, even if we talk less and barely see each other (more my blame and for that i'm sorry), so it all comes down to one thing, that maybe, maybe our paths were only suppose to cross for a little while and it wasn't suppose to be more than what we have now. if that's the truth, i can live with it because you, as i've told you soooo many times before, you're still my favorite person in this entire world and no matter how insignificant you may feel at times, always know you've made a significant difference in my life.

that is, if you exist, because.. who knows, we are speaking hypothetically.